The Army Hates Chocolate

The Army Hates Chocolate

.

.

I want to believe that the Army does things for the better good.  Sure, they don’t always use the typical common sense approach and the bureaucracy is tough to negotiate, but it has been my experience that the Army is basically a good organization without any other objective than to win the nation’s wars.  I am here today because I truly believe this, which is why it is so hard for me to believe that the Army, a collection of some pretty smart officers and soldiers, would despise chocolate so much.  How else would you explain the reasoning behind the placement of the mail shack, basically a shed where we distribute parcels from, in the direct line of the base generator exhaust outlet?  Daytime temps that top out in the 110s or 120s are jacked up another 15 to 20 degrees due to the blast of heated carbon monoxide blowing on the shed which makes it darn near impossible for anything made of chocolate to keep it’s original shape.  Hershey Kisses?  Maybe they should be called Hershey Smooshes.  Could you go for a Reeces?  The slurry inside that orange wrapper is only edible with a spoon.   How about a Snickers?  Well, let me tell you that there is nothing more “satisfying” than opening a box with what appears to be the diaper contents resulting from accidentally feeding a 2 year old White Castles and peanuts.  

. 

I received a toasty box today from relatives in Washington State.  Props out to the postal folks for getting it to me because even though the entire address on it was wrong (even my name was spelled with two ‘N’s), the package was forwarded to my location.  How does that postal saying go?  “Neither snow, nor sleet, nor rain, nor hail of mortar fire...”

. 

I opened the box full of goodies: some pistachios (my favorite), beef jerky, jelly beans and nuts.  There were, however some heat casualties: a plastic bag with what once appeared to be a trail mix of nuts and chocolate was transformed into a tube of clumpy goo.  Put it in the fridge and I might have the makings of a new kind of nutty candy bar.  

. 

My mail also included a card from my good friends in Bahh-Stun, Massachusetts (more specifically, Salem) but there was no mail from my friend Michael Dell and his band of merry computer elves who are suppose to send me the disks to magically fix my broken laptop.  Also absent from the mail shed was my new back up laptop.  I think this is the Army’s way of making sure I don’t enjoy the little time off so that I will work longer hours.  It’s a conspiracy I tell ya.  A conspiracy!