Out and about

Every once in while, when we are bored or have run out of things to make PowerPoint slides of, we move outside the IZ to conduct meetings at Iraqi facilities. If they are “local” to Baghdad then the mission will be just a day trip, but will still involve a lot of planning for movement in the not-so-safe areas of town. I can’t elaborate where we go, who we talk to, or what we talk about, but I can say that each time is an educational experience.

This is a list of lessons that are not completely new to my experiences here, but they are a few of the epiphanies from my last mission:

1. “Nothing in Iraq is easy.” – This isn’t the first time I’ve said this, and I’m pretty sure it won’t be my last. Transportation to and from places will take days to plan and simple tasks will take complex coordinated efforts to finish. Just know this and you’ll be okay.

2. “Everyone in Iraq is a General.” – If you hang around long enough, can use a computer, can talk louder than most and have a good mustache, then you too can earn the rank of General in any Iraqi organization.

3. “Toys are toys are toys.” – If you happen to pull out your cell phone, camera or laptop in front of an Iraqi, they will immediately show you their equivalent, setting it next to yours and comparing the models to see who has the better gadget. I think this might be a guy thing more than a behavior exclusive to Iraqis, but I say this only be I am a “geardo” at heart.

4. “If you love your stomach, you’ll pack snacks.” – Iraqis are very generous people, and they will push food on you to show their gracious nature even when they are fully aware that if one morsel of their food just so happens to touch your lips, you will become the human equivalent of a explosive muddy fire hydrant in less than two hours after consumption. Bring some snacks (like a case of Clif bars) to keep your lower GI from staging a revolt.

You just gotta love the name of these snacks my aunt in NJ sent!

5. “Your day must be planned around your potential potty breaks.” – The bathrooms in some of these facilities aren’t much more than a hole in the ground. This set up is okay for most folks, however there are some situations (ones that require any other position besides the standing one) that require the balance of Russian gymnast to facilitate doing your business. Also, bring your own paper.

6. “All Iraqi clocks are defective.” – Know that if you tell an Iraqi that you will be someplace for a meeting, plan on having them show up an hour after you told them. The trick is to tell them that you want them there at say 10 o’clock and not show up until 11 (I’ve used this trick on friends and family back home whose clocks also operate at different speeds than the rest of us here on planet earth).

7. “Listen for the click.” – This applies to the bottle of water that the friendly Iraqi has just handed you. If you don’t hear the click of the safety seal being broken, then that fresh bottle of liquid refreshment you have in your hand is nothing more than an empty plastic water bottle that they’ve filled with tap water. Go ahead and drink it if you hate your intestines and want to punish your colon.

8. “Tea is the universal drink in every place except the US.” – Living in the south, I’ve become accustomed to having iced tea with meals when I go out. Warm tea with honey and lemon is also a drink I use when I come down with a sore throat. However, I’m still perplexed at the concept of drinking a scalding hot cup of liquid when the temperature outside is pushing 120 degrees. Alas, it’s their culture therefore you must sacrifice your tongue for the cause.

9. “Drive it like you stole it!” This is the advice the convoy commanders give to the drivers who are integrated into their serial. Also be aware that road hazards include impact craters, downed palm trees, and donkeys. Driving around this place is an experience like none I’ve ever had. You drive by your own rules, through mazes of jersey barriers and through streets not designed for your big, lumbering armored vehicle. You drive at speeds that no sane person would drive and you maneuver through troves of garbage that litters every horizontal surface of this place. I have to admit, there is a small amount of excitement one gets from driving in this manner. I’d almost classify it as fun if it wasn’t for those stupid roadside bombs. I’ve heard countless stories of people who recycled back to the states after a stint here and realized that they had to reprogram how they drove. Stateside police frown at you jumping curbs in your Toyota just because you don’t want to wait for the intersection to clear out.

10. “Iraqi Mountain Dew just isn’t the same.” – If your Iraqi host doesn’t have bottled water, you are usually safe with canned sodas. Here is an example one of a soda that was given to my group last visit.

I don’t know about you, but I usually associate things that are “cloudy” with beverages I would NOT want to drink.