Dust maker

I want a Gator. Or better yet, I want a Ranger. I’m not talking about a pet crocodile or a national parks worker. I’m talking in terms of John Deere and Polaris. These are the 2 seater, 4 wheeled (sometimes 6 wheeled) all terrain vehicles (ATV) that I see zipping around the bases here. I see a few of them back in the IZ, but here in Al Asad, there are hundreds. Most are used by base engineers making repairs to the living trailers or by crusty FOB sergeants major who just want a vehicle to putz around in. Judging by the number of dust trails I see kicking up on the access roads, Al Asad must be home to a lot of crusty SGMs.

These vehicles fill the small niche in the lack of personal transportation here; the perfect compromise between riding a bike (and looking ridiculous with your helmet and armor on) and being tied to the bus route. I’m not sure what the appeal is about them. Maybe it’s the fact I never had a go cart as a kid. Jealous was the 12 year old whose friend had an acre of land and a lawnmower powered source of transportation. Everyone took turns zooming around a pseudo dirt track before you ran out of gas or someone ran into something, thus rendering the vehicle inoperable for the rest of the afternoon (or if you were too short to reach the break and drove off into a ditch). A two seater was even better because you could double the enjoyment. It was always preferable to be the driver, but a passenger, with dirt and rocks flying up and hitting you in the head, had the ability enjoy in the fun and convince the driver that he didn’t have a hair on his ass if he didn’t take that jump at full throttle. Looking at the practicality of it, I don’t even know what I would do with a two seater ATV back home. It’s not like I’m a hunter who needs a utility vehicle to haul his elk carcass out of the backwoods or a ranch owner that needs a mode of transportation to check out the back forty acres. If I wanted a “fun” vehicle, I could get a dirt bike, or even a regular one person ATV. They are both much cheaper, faster and they don’t have the “jacked up golf cart” look to them. I have friends who have single seat ATVs they use for hunting, and unless you have your own you can’t really go riding with them. Face it, there is just no cool way to fit two guys on a bike or ATV, which is one of the many manly reasons for getting a side by side. Seeing the folks zip around here in these mini utility vehicles makes me wish I lived on a farm to justify purchasing one when I get back. Some already come with windshields, dump beds, stereos, and even have A/C! Of course I would modify it by adding a massive roll cage adorned with flood lights, a winch, a push bumper, trailer hitch, maybe some chrome or brushed aluminum wheels, and a 5 point racing harness for the driver and passenger. Did I mention the custom paint job with chrome flames? I’d want to keep the functionality of it without turning it into a sand rail or dune buggy, therefore it has to have the option of adding a lawn mower attachment to it for when I get too old to blaze trails.

I think the appeal has to do with the freedom they represent here in Iraq. Not very many people have their own dedicated transportation. Those who are not fortunate enough to have a job that assigns them their very own Ford Explorer to drive wherever they wish (within the confines of the base of course) are slaves to the bus schedule. For people who live in big cities and frequently use public transportation, this does not pose a dilemma for them, but even the seasoned urban commuter will frown at the fact that our buses never run on time and waiting outside in 110+ temps in your battle rattle is far from fun.

So, when I get home, I will fight the urge to run out to my local Polaris dealer and start outfitting a tricked out 4 wheeler (and a matching trailer) which will just take up space in the garage next to my road bike, my mountain bike, and workbench, only to get the standard coating of saw dust that all my toys get after a winter of woodworking. Instead, I’ll just add this to my wish list, which includes a Waverunner, a bass boat, and a house (not necessarily in any order of priority). In the meantime, I can still look at them with an envious eye and dream of making up for the various off-road adventures I missed out on as a kid.

Polaris Ranger 6x6

Polaris RZR

Still stuck here in Al Asad. Maybe we'll leave tomorrow.